My Purpose…

September 26, 2016

Often I wonder why I am spending my years trying to catch up. I am almost finished raising my children. My youngest will most likely graduate high school this coming May. She is in our local learning center. Her studies are at her own pace.

Although I am in college working towards a degree in Criminal Justice with a concentration in Cyber Security, I wonder if this is the direction for my purpose. I believe I was put on this earth to help people, and to love those who normal people can not love. I know that I am not normal. I know I am extraordinary in my own way. I have an unbelievable amount of love in my heart to share. I can not let it go to waste. 

When I finish my degree program, I will be able to travel for work. I hope that I will be afforded an opportunity to do things what will improve the lives of people who believe there is nothing for them. I am disgusted when I see or hear someone who is supposed to be a Christian speak something negative over someone who they are in authority over. I’ve worked in corrections for several years now. I hear people say to those whom they look down to, “You’ll never amount to anything.” It is okay to have authority over an individual and not look down at them. 

I want my hand to be the hand that God uses to pull people out of the pit they have been stuck in. I want to help people believe in themselves. I want my purpose, God willing, to be to show others that they too have a purpose. 

 

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How Do I Say No?

August 28, 2016

How do I say No? That is a good question. I’ve been told I am too nice in certain circumstances. I should not allow myself to feel sorry for people so I have to find a way to say “no” instead of yes. Besides, they do not feel in the least bit sorry for me.

I can play the “what if” game. This is a game played by people who work in corrections. I work in corrections and allowing the slightest infraction can cost me more than anything. I know one thing. “No” is about to be my new best friend. After a while, I doubt I will have to worry about anyone asking for anything anyway because they will know my answer. No.

How to say “No” by Anita Vaughn

No.

Inmate “Can I…”

Me “No.”

I’m in a bad habit of not saying “no.” That habit is about to get broke and broke quick. I guess I was afraid people would not like or respect me. I’ve been this way for years. There has always been a line. I would never do anything illegal or immoral. Now the line is much closer. Nothing or no one is worth what is precious to me and what I worked so hard for.

I’ve been doing some research and I discovered that I am an empathetic person. God help me. I think it is ok to be empathetic but I know I can carry it too far. Needless to say, I am praying for God to give me His wisdom and boldness to do what is right.

My empathy is shrinking. Rapidly.

 

 

 

 

My Heart Warmed at Work

August 25, 2016

I had something interesting happen the other day. My new supervisor (who beat me out for a promotion recently) did something that warmed my heart.

Let me back up a little to begin with. Recently, I went up for a promotion at work.  One other person went up for the promotion. We both decided that the one who didn’t get the promotion would be supportive of the one who got the promotion. Long story short, he got it and I was proud of him.

Bless his heart, I’m old enough to be his momma. This kind young man showed me respect in the work place that no one has ever shown me. He wanted to talk to me the other day. He explained to me why he does some things the way he does. He did not have to do this. I was glad that he did though. My heart was warmed. He is trying so hard and doing such a fantastic job. I couldn’t be prouder of him if he was my own son. I decided that my employer has a diamond in the rough. They better watch out because this kind young man that I am blessed to have as my supervisor, is going places.

 

 

Am I Valuable???

August 15, 2016

I often wonder if I will ever succeed at something. In the last day or so, it hit me that in the next two years, I will turn 50 years of age and I am still working in an entry-level position. I don’t have a career. I have a job.  I do not feel valuable.

Although, I am in college (online) and I am working towards a career I am continually stuck in the beginning phases. I have always wanted a degree and a career so I could earn enough to retire and travel the world. I also want to help people. I always try to lift others up but there are times where I feel put down. If there is ever a time that I can move up in a career, I don’t want to make anyone who works for me feel as though they are beneath me.

It is hard not to feel like a failure at my age. People my age are CEO s and are in their prime. They are Doctors and Professors. They are Sheriffs and Fire Chiefs. They work the hours they want to because there are those like me in entry-level positions working the hours they do not have to. These people are making a difference. I know that I make a difference in a small way but I do not feel valuable. I know that I can not go back and start over and hindsight is surely 20/20. I can, however warn my younger readers.

Get your education while you are young and before you have children. You will be freed up to study and learn. If you have small children, find a way to get your education. There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home parent if your spouse is working but both of you get your education.

The struggle is real. This is no joke. I am feeling inadequate in my job/career life right now and I want something good to come out of it. I pray someone who is young and pondering their life and career will take my words into consideration.

Everyone has a purpose. No one should weigh self-worth or value by their job or career but many of us do.

In order to change my feelings of inadequacy, I will continue in school, do my best to learn and get the highest grade I can. I will do my best at work and I will try to keep a good attitude by helping as many people as I can. I will try to make work easier for my co-workers and supervisors so I can at least be of some value all though I do not feel that I am.

We will see what happens…

Dreams Continue…

August 14, 2016

 

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? I asked my youngest daughter this question not too long ago. She told me she would go to Australia. I would love to take her. Hopefully, I will some day.

I have always wanted to travel to far away places…go on adventures during my lifetime. I would love to live for a period of time in these different places. I’ve always wanted to leave a mark on each corner of the earth. I love the different cultures. I love the scenic views in the different parts of the world. The mountains are Gods gift to me. There beauty fills my heart with boundless joy.

I would love to visit the villages in Italy where people hang baskets of flowers under their windows. I love how flowers tower up the outer walls of the houses and above the quaint little towns. People appreciate the beauty that God has bestowed upon their part of this world.

I would love to visit the fjords in Norway. I would love to take a boat around the lakes and view the mountains up close. I would climb every mountain if I could. I often find myself collecting photos of different mountain regions in the world. They are so beautiful.

I would love to visit the Big Apple. I’d love to see Time Square at night. I’d stay out all night long. I would most likely people watch.

Alaska is known as the last frontier. I would probably live there if it were feasible. Alaska is wild like my soul. I often wondered what it would be like to visit the Bering Sea on a crab boat for a trip out and just smell the fragrance that only the sea can offer.

I would love to hit every national and state park in America. Maybe I can when I retire. I want to get a travel trailer and hit the road for a couple of years. I’d love to meet new friends along the way. I would love to canoe various lakes and enjoy this beautiful country that God made. I love to camp. I love the outdoors. There is something refreshing about sleeping outside. I would love for one night…Okay, two or three nights at least…to sleep under the stars and appreciate first hand what God has created. The beauty is something to behold.

I love the sound that the leaves in the trees make when the wind blows just right. It doesn’t have to blow too hard. I love listening to birds as they roost for the night. I love the color of the sky when the sun sets. You know the purple, pink and yellowish color. I love sitting back in a comfy chair covered up in a cozy blanket around a camp fire. I love staying up all night and watching the fire burn out. I love spending this time with friends who I care so much about.

Last but not least, I have always wanted to go on a mission trip. I plan on making that dream come true before I make any other dream come true. I will only do these things by the grace of God. What are your dreams?

 

 

I do not miss you. I am so sorry to say because I know deep down inside you are a good man. I know you would do anything to help an individual in need because I have seen you do it. But, I do not miss you.

I remember the time you asked me if I thought you were a bully. I lied and said, “No, I didn’t say that.” I did not want to hurt your feelings. Never mind my feelings.

I do not miss the hell you put me through when you made me feel like my job was on the line every day. NOTHING was good enough for you. If if were not for the grace of God…..You have no idea. I know a couple of things that you have been through in your life but I know there is so much left out. I can not imagine the pain you went through as a child. I hope you have sought and received the help you so desperately needed when I worked for you.

I have never prayed so much for someone in all my life. I know my experience working for you brought me closer to The Lord. I know I almost ended my life because I did not know how much more I could take but somehow God kept me from doing it. I also know that my past experiences had an affect on how I dealt with you. I believe your past experiences had an effect on how you dealt with me and others. You know there were others.

Do you know you wrote me up at least 30 times while I worked for you? Silly write ups. Any opportunity or excuse you had to write me up, you jumped at the chance. Do you remember the time you wrote me up on Thanksgiving?  Do you remember all the times you called me out in front of inmates? Do you know how many offers I got from them to beat the living hell out of you? I covered you. Two wrongs do not make a right. Do you remember that woman we worked with? You bullied her too. She did everything she could to keep you off of her and on me. I do not remember how many times she threw me under your bus. She has since apologized.

Do you know how many nightmares I have had about you? Do you know that the stress I was under because of your workplace bullying caused me to completely shut down. I dropped out of college six credits shy of my Associates degree because I was depleted mentally. Do you remember calling your boss because you found my note? The book you found was my little vent book. It helps to write things down…get it out.. My therapist suggested it. I did not mean for you to find it. I thought I was the problem and I did my best every day that I came to work. I wanted to die every time I made a mistake because I knew that “all hell was going to break loose.” I am curious to know what your boss thought when you called him and told him that one of your employees was thinking of committing suicide because of the way you treat her…I’m not sure what you said to him.

You improved after that… You were even kinder. I just can not shake these nightmares. I want you to know that even after all that has taken place, I care about you as a person and I hope that you get the help that you need if you have not done so.

Eventually you moved to another facility and I heard you were getting a “taste of your own medicine.” I did not feel gladness when I found this out but I felt like you only needed help. I hope and pray that you have received the help you so desperately needed. I want you to know that I forgive you wholeheartedly but I need the nightmares to end. I’m tired of dreaming about that place and I’m tired of dreaming about you.

I wish you the Love of God and His best for you.

 

 

I’m Never Going Back

July 23, 2016

I had another nightmare last night about my old job. I was back…I was there to help out because they needed it.

I used to work in correctional food service. I’ve worked as a corrections officer and after some time, I went to work in the kitchen because it paid more money. I ended up working as a food service supervisor in a prison for several years. Sometimes the job was good, sometimes the job was a nightmare from hell.

Some times in correctional food service, employees find they do not have enough inmate help to get the work done in the required deadline. It’s ridiculous. I worked for a food service company that was contracted by a private corrections company which operated a prison facility for The Texas Department of Criminal Justice. Often, we did not have enough inmate worker help in our kitchen to get the job done. This was my dream. I dreamed that I went to help them out because they were so short handed on employees and the employees they had were exhausted. I went in and there was an employee who didn’t know anything. He was pulling pans of left over food to put on the line to serve in a meal that was not even on the menu.  The food was cold, some was was not even cooked.  was a complete disaster. There were inmates refusing to work. In my mind, I could not blame them. I had figured out that this meal was going to put the next meal behind.

I cried out to God. “God help me!” Much like I used to cry out to Him when I worked there… In the open in front of inmates. I did not care what anyone thought.

I finally woke… Thank God! I awoke thankful that I am in a good place now. I have been for 2 years. I didn’t realize at the time of my employment that I had PTSD from some events that happened over 25 years ago while I was in the service. This had an affect on how I handled situations while at this job.

I have had other dreams but thankfully I am forgetting them when I wake.

 

 

Well folks, I have to admit that I’ve been having a lousy attitude lately. It’s time for an attitude adjustment. Who’s with me?

The best way to give yourself an attitude adjustment is to arrange for time off. I won’t be able to get any vacation until after October so a weekend will have to do. The next thing is arrange for a good cleaning of your home. This will increase your attitude by at least 25%. After that, hit the road or the lake. Camping sounds nice. I’d love to just spend the night in the fresh air. I would love to get a week of it but one night or two is better than nothing. This should bring your attitude up another 25%. If you can get out on the lake, go for it. If not, maybe a swim and some hiking out in nature will bring the attitude up another 25%.

I’ve been working and am in school online for the next couple of years. I don’t want to fall in to a pit so I’m planning something pretty quick. I need nature and I need it now. I’m having picnic, campfire, smores, stars and great conversation withdrawals.

Who else wants an attitude adjustment?

I have something I want to share with whoever is willing to read this. We are people. We all feel love. When someone hugs us, it feels good. We all feel the same emotions. When someone hurts us, we feel sadness. Often we become angry. When we hear something funny, we laugh. When we are fond of someone, we get butterflies in our stomach. What a sweet feeling.

We love getting together with the people we love. We all love good food. We may all not like the same food, but we all love what is good to us. How many people from different backgrounds and with different beliefs love the taste of fresh coffee in the morning? How many of us with different skin tones would love to spend a week in the mountains or on the beach? How many of us enjoy a good dinner and a movie? We love the feeling of having an arm around us or even our hand held.

How many of us, from different backgrounds and cultures love our children, and want what is best for them? We want them to make the right choices. We want them to get a good education. We want our children to fall in love and have their own families. We want our children to find joy. Many of us want our children to fulfill the purpose that God set forth for them. How many of us, from different cultures and backgrounds remember the stories our grandparents told us about when they were young? Does anyone remember the one about how they walked many miles in the snow and barefoot to get to school?

How many of us have known fear? When a loved one was sick and we thought they were going to die, we felt the same emotions. When we succeeded at some milestone in life we felt pride in ourselves and joy. We all get scared in a way when we ride a new ride at an amusement park. Despite our differences, we love our favorite songs. We don’t have the same favorite song, but I bet we each have a favorite song.

How many of us are excited when we see new life? When a baby is born, we just want to kiss his or her face because he or she is just so precious. When that same baby has a dirty diaper, we hand it back to mom because we all know, poop stinks.

We have more in common than we have differences. Why are we focusing on our differences??? Can we just be different? Can we respect each other? Can we calm down as a nation and take a breath? Can we let the Justice system handle those who have done wrong?

Can we quit being so hateful to each other and try showing each other some love? It’s amazing what you find out about a person when you ask, “With all due respect, may I ask why you feel the way that you do?” People have many opinions and beliefs partly because of what they have been through. Can we stop being prejudice? We all have been guilty of this. I’ve noticed that when I’m nice to someone, they s are usually nice back.

I want to say that it is okay to be kind to someone. It is okay to be good to someone. If you have anyone that you really don’t like or care for their beliefs or culture, just be kind to them. You will be surprised what the kindness will do for that individual and for you.

 

I’m A Happy Girl

April 16, 2016

Call me a lazy blogger. I have ignored this blog for the past few years but plenty has happened. I have a lot to tell

In July, 2014 I began a new job. It is fantastic! I am a happy girl when it comes to the workplace. No more work related problems. I am so thankful to God. I won’t lie.

I purchased a new vehicle. Newer anyway. It’s a 2011 GMC Terrain. No dents. Again. I’m a happy girl.

In November of 2015 I was diagnosed with PTSD because of some things that happened when I was in the Marine Corps. I won’t elaborate but I have answers. Things will get better and when I have a bad day, I know why. I have had it for almost 26 years. Today is a good day.

I have strabismus. It is a condition of the eyes where they don’t look straight. It creeps people out and they have to ask which eye I am looking at them with. Which is rude. I’m having eye surgery on May 6, 2016. I can’t wait.

I am going back to school. I will be attending Colorado Technical University Online beginning May 15, 2016. Yeah, I know…A week after my surgery. If there are any problems, I will call the school and they will push me back so I can heal. I’m excited. My major will be Criminal Justice with a concentration in Cyber Security. I’m a happy girl.

Last but certainly not least. The city of Graham, Texas is having a city-wide revival. I’m excited to see all the great things that will come from it. Planning on seeing lives changed.

This is all for today… Or maybe not. I might come back later if I decide to.